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What is the Purpose of a Decades-long Strained Relationship with a Twin Brother?

This post is a response to a question for The Council from Margot about a strained relationship she has with her twin brother. Margot says her question was inspired by a post on our blog that answers questions from a reader named Joe about a strained relationship with his children. On June 18, 2012 we did a session with non-physical spirit guides, The Council, to get their perspective on Margot’s question.

Margot’s Question

Margot’s question suggests she and her twin brother are 70+ years old and they’ve had a strained relationship most of their lives. She asks, “What is the purpose of both of us being from the same womb, sharing that very intimate space for so long, and living as ‘twin’ brother and sister only to live two very different emotional, physical and spiritual lives?”

Margot says she knows that The Council says in our post on Joe’s question that the purpose of all relationships is to bring the love we are as spirit into physical reality, but this guidance “just seems too vaporous and vague” for her to apply in a practical way to her relationship with her brother and she’d like additional input from The Council on this.

My Other Half

In the first part of Margot’s question she describes her twin brother as “my other half,” and The Council quickly offered the following comment:

Isn’t it interesting that someone would think that just by being a twin, the other one is their other half, and they are not whole and truly all that they need to be?

—The Council
(Similarly formatted text throughout the post represents The Council’s comments during the session. Text [in brackets] was not spoken by The Council, but has been added to make it easier to follow the conversation.)

The belief we are completed by another person is a popular one and probably occurs most often in romantic relationships. The Council’s initial comment seems like a suggestion to Margot to look more within herself for her other half rather than her twin brother.

We Are Opposites

In response to Margo’s comment that she and her twin brother are opposites in most everything in their lives, The Council commented, “We would hope so.” I (Bob) was a little surprised by this comment and asked The Council to elaborate. They replied:

Well we see what is going on in this question.

Because one shares a womb – [chuckling] we consider it the little elevator on the way into your reality – that does not mean that you must be identical in your emotions, in your personality, or even how you look.

It is [that] you have decided to come in with another soul that you know from many, many lifetimes to share a family, and yet there is nowhere in there where you must be exactly alike.

And yes we know there are parents that will dress the twins so everyone knows they are twins. And then there are others that look exactly alike, but you are still your own spirit. You are an individual.

And so why is it okay for two siblings that are a year or maybe two years [apart] to fight, or not like each other, or even love each other very much, and that is okay? But because you have decided to come in at the exact same time and to spend the development phase of your body in the same womb, why should it be any different?

Why should you [and your twin] be one soul? You are not one. You are individual. And even when you leave this reality and you come back [to spirit] where we all are one, you are still an individual. The part of you with all the memory and all the experiences still exists.

And so they [the twins] have shared this space, and now they are who they have decided to be. They will create experiences in their lifetime…they will handle it differently…they will make different choices. And so we wonder why this is so hard for many to understand?

The Council seems to be emphasizing here that despite some popular notions that twins are like two people with the same soul, from The Council’s perspective this is far from the case.

Womb as Elevator from Spirit

I enjoyed The Council’s reference to the womb as the little elevator that brings us into this reality and I asked if they would elaborate. They replied:

There are quite a few old movies where [Council chuckling] when a person dies and they are being judged or they are in the so-called waiting room [laughing], you are told what elevator to go in…whether to go up or to go down. And so there is the picture of the elevator that also brings you into this life, or does the elevator get stuck along the way and return you to spirit?

As The Council described this I remember having an amusing image in my head of exiting the womb as a newborn through elevator doors that opened onto the physical reality floor of existence.

In Spirit We are All One, and Yet Still Individual

In addition to the elevator metaphor, we were interested in The Council’s comment that when we leave physical reality and return to a reality where we experience ourselves as one with all spirit, we are still able to experience our individuality and we still have access to all the memories of our physical reality experiences.

If you’re wondering what’s so special about remembering physical reality experiences you think you’d rather forget when you return to spirit, it seems worth mentioning that (according to The Council) all physical experiences, even painful ones, inspire a joyous spiritual expansion, which is why we as spirit are attracted to physical reality in the first place.

This idea that unpleasant physical experiences are a basis for joyous spiritual experiences can be difficult to appreciate, particularly if we’re in the middle of one of these unpleasant and challenging experiences in our physical reality. It’s a subject we’re very interested in and we expect to have more discussions with The Council on it and more posts. Until then the following two previous posts from our blog discuss this idea in a little more detail and may help your understanding of it.

  1. Before We are Born, Do We Plan Challenging Human Relationships To Advance Our Spiritual Expansion? (Joe’s question)
  2. What is Karma and How Does it Work?

Our session on Margot’s question about her twin brother isn’t the first time The Council has mentioned this idea of individuality within the oneness of spirit, but it may be the first time it’s come up in one of our blog posts. This also seems like an important topic, particularly for people who believe they must sacrifice their individuality in order to truly experience themselves as a spiritual being who is unified with all other spiritual beings. We’d also like to do more sessions and posts on this idea in the future.

Defining Success in Your Relationship

Margot comments that there seemed to be some forward movement in their relationship recently after she contacted her brother when he seemed to be pulling further away. Margot adds, “It strikes me that even if I’m ‘successful’ in getting him to meet and talk with me…,” and at this point The Council interjected:

And what is this success? What would this success feel like? To have [your brother] meet and talk with you and then decide to keep the relationship close? Is that success?

Or to have him begin to think like you, and handle situations in his life like you? Is that success?

Or is success loving this person for whoever he is, allowing him to be whoever he is, holding him in thoughts of light and allowing him to just be? So what does the success look like to [Margot]?

There are many different ideas about what constitutes success in a relationship. The Council’s advises for Margot is that the more she is able to unconditionally appreciate her brother for who he is and not who she wants him to be or thinks he should be, the more successful their relationship will be.

I Tried

When I (Bob) speculated to The Council that success for Margot might simply mean getting together in person with her twin brother, The Council replied:

And what would be the state of this if he agreed to meet and they do not get along? They do not think the same. They do not want the same things. Is it still successful or is it the thought: I tried and it didn’t work?

The Council seems to be cautioning Margot against prematurely pushing for a meeting with her brother in order to relieve anxiety she may be feeling that she’s not trying hard enough to make the relationship work.

Beliefs Influence Outcomes

I reread to The Council the part of Margot’s question I had just read, but hadn’t quite finished: “It strikes me that even if I’m ‘successful’ in getting him to meet and talk with me, I really will never get to ‘know’ who he is in this lifetime.” The Council replied:

And so the belief is already there. And so we can promise you because that belief is there and it is so strong, that they will meet and she will walk away from this saying, “I just don’t know who he is.”

Increasingly in our sessions with The Council they emphasize the importance of our beliefs in determining the reality we experience. They say a heart-felt belief is like a vibrational magnet that attracts to us experiences that feel similar to the feeling of the beliefs we hold.

And so the more Margot is willing to believe she will never get to know who her brother is in this lifetime, the more likely she is to experience this. The process of becoming aware of our beliefs and learning how to transform the unproductive ones into more productive beliefs is a subject we are very interested in and hope to write about it in future posts.

What is the Purpose?

It is at this point in Margot’s question that she asks: “What is the purpose of both of us being from the same womb, sharing that very intimate space for so long and living as ‘twin’ brother and sister only to live two very different emotional, physical and spiritual lives?” The Council replies:

The intention was to come in together because there is great love there, and to share the same family dynamic…to be raised exactly the same in the same environment and to go separate ways to experience separate challenges…and to each expand by their experiences and bring that expansion back into non-physical [reality].

And so they wanted to be together in this lifetime in this family, and they both had the desire to experience exactly what this family would offer them as they went into adulthood. And so they both had the benefit of loving each other and experiencing this family.

And what did they learn? If [they] are questioned, she will [have] learned things very, very different than what he learned. And then they go off into their lifetimes and have these experiences.

Love Will Always Bring You Back Together

Now as we see it, later on in this lifetime there will be a coming together again. And so you must allow each other to live and experience what [you] need to experience. And as we always say, hold each other in the light. Love will always bring you back together. And if it is not here, it will be in spirit, but we do see a coming together in this lifetime.

The Council says that from a spiritual point of view it is Margot and her brother’s intention to experience their adult lives very differently from each other, and the more accepting Margot is of her brother’s choices whatever they are, the more attracted he will be to the closer relationship Margot desires.

Relationships as Opportunities to Bring Love into Physical Reality

As we mentioned in the beginning of this post, Margot indicates in her question she’s familiar with The Council’s guidance that the purpose of relationships is to serve as opportunities to bring the love we are in spirit into physical reality. Margot acknowledges this as a theme in her emerging relationship with her twin brother, but she adds, “…that just seems to vaporous and vague when it comes to thinking of something that could have moved very differently over these past 70 plus years.”

Vaporous and Vague

Vaporous and vague sounds like a good description of how most of us experience the part of ourselves who is an eternal spiritual being, particularly if we’re not used to feeling this connection. It’s our experience that with practice and patience it is possible to have a more tangible and grounded experience of who you are as a spiritual being. The more attention you give to this aspect of yourself, whether through meditation, contemplation, prayer, or other practices with a similar intention, the easier it becomes to experience yourself as a spiritual being in a physical body.

The Council reminds Margot:

You have forgotten that with every relationship you plan before you enter into the physical, your plan was always to bring love into every relationship. You have forgotten who you are and who your brother is, and who all souls are. We are pure love.

Rather than feeling disappointed by a vaporous and vague feeling about The Council’s guidance, perhaps it is possible to think of these feelings as a subtle but encouraging indication and reminder of your connection to who you are as a spiritual being — a connection that strengthens with your attention to it.

In Conclusion

And so as she reaches out as many times as she feels is comfortable…reach out…send [your] brother love…but remember…just allow him to be who he is. When he feels the allowing and the acceptance of who he is, things must turn around.

The Council encourages Margot to reach out with love to her brother as often as this feels comfortable to her; they re-emphasize the importance for Margot to allow her brother to be who he is; and they remind Margot her feeling acceptance and allowing for her brother is what’s needed to ease the strain in their relationship so a reconciliation can eventually occur.

As most of us have experienced, strained relationships are often part of our physical experience. The Council’s guidance for Margot to find ways to appreciate and love her brother for who he is and allow him to be the way he wants to be rather than who she thinks he should be, is one of The Council’s fundamental teachings and we believe it is good advice for everyone, not just Margot.

Let Us Know What You Think

Thank you for taking time to read this post. We hope you’ve benefited from it. We’d love to know what you think of this material. Please consider leaving a comment in the Leave a Reply section below. If you have any questions for The Council about ideas mentioned in this post or other posts, the Leave a Reply section at the bottom of any post is a good place to submit your questions. We will be notified by email and reply as soon as we have time.

August 23, 2012 - Posted by | Beliefs, Love, Questions & Answers, Relationships | , , ,


  1. Thank you Cynthia and Bob. I look forward to The Council’s response on this subject. In love and light, Marie


    Comment by mariewilliams53 | October 27, 2017

  2. Hi, Marie. It’s difficult to understand why any soul would want to experience violence and molestation from a parent, particularly if it’s from your parents. We’ll see what The Council has to say on the subject and post their response when it’s ready. Love and light, Bob & Cynthia

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Cynthia & Bob | October 26, 2017

  3. Hi Cynthia & Bob. Thank you for replying. I hear what you are saying about the challenges that we elect in spirit, but I find it very hard to understand.

    First I cannot understand how any soul would want to experience violence and molestation from a parent. It doesn’t make sense. The effects of that can leave an individual feeling that they are not worthy of being loved and accepted and they have difficulties in life because of this, as I did in my life and also reading about countless others who have had this experience. They (and I) just find abuse of this kind debilitating, leading to depression and anxiety, and in many cases, suicidal thoughts.

    My mother and I had a very distant and cold relationship even though I tried hard to behave in a way that she would love and accept me. But she much preferred my brother to me and was very happy to show my brother how much she cared for him and what a nuisance she found me to be. I could understand if she found it difficult to show love because of finding herself in a violent situation lasting 36 years, but she was able to show love to my brother, so that must mean that she had ‘agreed’ with me to show me rejection as part of my life experience? I’d like to know what The Council has to say about this type of abuse.

    I can understand about wanting to experience, say, blindness, physical disability, poverty etc because I can understand how this can raise and expand one’s consciousness, but I cannot understand how beating up an infant/killing an infant (because this happens to many children) can raise consciousness and experience love.

    Also, with my brother, we were close when we were suffering domestic violence etc at home, and we supported each other, but as adults we are so distant and it is not for want of trying to be close to him. I had tried to be a loving and caring sister, but it seems that he cannot or will not have a close relationship with me. But I now accept this after reading your piece on the twins who are not close. It’s still quite painful though.

    With the abuse from my parents – I just wondered if it wasn’t as specific as domestic violence/rejection etc – that we agreed that we would want to experience a challenging situation, but here on the earth plane they decided to ‘opt’ for violence?

    Lots of questions I know, and I wanted to ask even more, but realise that I need to be disciplined about this. I will wait patiently for your response from The Council and I thank you very much for reaching out to me at this time.

    I’m sorry, Cynthia & Bob, I know these are a lot of questions and some I’ve probably answered for myself in a way, but I would be so grateful to you to ask The Council and see how the experiences I attracted in this life measured up to the ones I wanted before my present incarnation.

    In love and light, Marie

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by mariewilliams53 | October 26, 2017

  4. Hi, Marie. Welcome to our blog and thank you for your questions. In general we believe The Council has said when we’re in spirit, the challenges we elect in our physical reality don’t seem so painful. We choose these challenges to expand the love we are in spirit into these challenges and figure out how to turn these challenges around.

    We’ll be glad to ask The Council about your specific lifetime and your relationship with your brother when we have a chance, and we’ll post their response on the blog. Thanks again. Love and light, Bob & Cynthia

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Cynthia & Bob | October 25, 2017

  5. I have to thank Jan (above) for guiding me here. I wanted to know if souls would really elect for a life of pain and suffering as I have had a violent and abusive childhood, and I could not believe that I had planned this for myself – it seems too bizarre. Any how (long story short) I asked Jan to consult her Guide who told her to tell me that it would be of more value to me to find out for myself. And so, this is how I am here, and I too have a strained relationship with my brother (although we are not twins). I have tried long and hard to make the situation better but he remains distant, contacting me randomly from time to time which infuriates me. I now realise from reading this that I should let him be who he wants to be and not who and how I want him to be. I have to remember that we are souls and that we are pure love, so today I am going to remember that and act accordingly. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by mariewilliams53 | October 23, 2017

  6. Hi Leanne,
    Glad you found our post on a strained twin sibling relationship helpful. Focusing on things you’re able to honestly appreciate about your twin sister might be a good start toward feeling more love for her. And the more unconditional love you feel for her, the easier it will be for you to allow her to be whoever she wants to be rather than what you might want her to be. This should also help with the anger and hostility you describe when your sister does something that appears to interfere with the closeness you desire sometimes. As soon as we can we’ll ask The Council for their guidance for you and we’ll let you know what they say. Thanks for loving our posts. We love that you love them :-). Love Bob & Cynthia


    Comment by Cynthia & Bob | December 15, 2013

  7. I read this and it was so helpful and enlightening. I too have a twin (46 years old) and we always had a strained relationship. I am trying to allow her to be her and love her from afar. Can you shed some light on how to do that? There are times I long to be close and then something happens and I want to strangle her. Can you help with how to stay in the positive even when it’s not a close relationship? Thanks for all your postings. I love reading them. Leanne


    Comment by Leanne | December 15, 2013

  8. Well thank you for asking, and OF COURSE I’m happy for you to share any of the comments in a blog post.
    Oh and yes, Will and I have always shared a huge fascination with crystals! When I gave him his first one (he was around 10) he held it in his hand, looked up at me in wonder and breathed, ‘I can feel it vibrating.’
    I will certainly work on that.
    Thank you again. I’m looking forward very much to reading the post when you’ve had a chance to put it together.


    Comment by janonlife | March 3, 2013

  9. Thank you, Jan, for your wonderful feedback. It really does our hearts good when sharing The Council’s guidance makes such a good-feeling difference in someone’s life.

    Your choice of the words “crystal clear” in describing your message from Will two weeks ago is very interesting because it relates to something The Council described in our session that didn’t make it into the highlights in our previous comment. The Council said that in your Atlantis lifetime with Will the two of you experimented with the use of clear quartz crystals to influence the vibrational energy around you in a way that made telepathic communication easier and clearer. We believe one of the arrangements was a circle of the crystals with a crystal in the middle.

    Perhaps your use of the phrase “crystal clear” indicates an increased awareness of your Atlantis telepathic experiences and is guidance from your higher self to play with clear quarts crystals as part of your plans to remember your telepathic abilities in this lifetime.

    Given the enthusiasm of your feedback and the apparent accuracy of The Council’s guidance, we’re thinking it would be nice to include some of your comments in a blog post on this session with The Council. This will give other readers better exposure to your question, your feedback, and the subject of telepathic communication in general. Please let us know if you have any issues with our adding some of your Comments to a blog post. It may seem unnecessary to ask since your comments are already public, but it seems considerate to ask.


    Comment by Cynthia & Bob | March 2, 2013

  10. Dear Cynthia and Bob,

    You won’t believe (what am I saying ? – of course you will!) how perfectly your message ties in with my experiences. I am so grateful to you, firstly for getting your reply to me so quickly, and secondly for the quality and importance of what The Council have shared with me.

    I feel I must let you know just a little of how their information ties in…

    When I met my friend, I was teaching him in a special class for young children with speech and language difficulties. They all had profound problems communicating verbally, and as I got to know them, I began to realise that they were able to communicate telepathically with each other. One day I was working with one child and another boy, standing behind me, ‘beamed’ his desire for assistance into my mind. Not even registering what had happened, I said “Yes, Alan, I’ll be with you in a moment. Please be patient.”

    Immediately I’d said the words, Will (my friend) leapt into the air and gave a great whoop of joy, yelling, “She did it! She got it! Yesss!!”

    Only then did the other kids (and myself) realise that I’d picked up a telepathic signal. Those kids – especially Will – went on to teach me for several more years.

    I’ve often felt that Will has been communicating to me telepathically. The trouble is, if I ever asked him if he’d sent a message or impression, he always claimed he had no idea what I was talking about. Consequently, as The Council noted, I doubted my ability and assumed I was imagining it.

    Now this is the TRULY amazing bit: Just 2 weeks ago, I was preparing to link with my Guides when – very unexpectedly – a crystal clear message came through from Will. He seemed to be picking up correctly on my mood and sent great love and care. I was in tears with the strength of it. Later I texted to ask if he’d really sent it, but got no reply.

    Well you’d think I’d be happy about it, but all I could think was, ‘I don’t want to send any more texts. I want to break off all communication with him.’

    I had no idea why the message had made me feel that way. Now I do! I realise that the telepathy is so much more wonderful than any verbal message and I understand, finally, why everything is the way it is.

    So, my dear friends, I will work very hard at developing my telepathy skills and I take great comfort to know that Will is less isolated than I had feared.

    Oh, he’s also always had a fascination with Atlantis, devouring every bit of information on it he could find!!

    Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I needed this message SO much.

    With love and blessings, Jan


    Comment by janonlife | March 2, 2013

  11. Hello, I’m just discovering the wonders of this site. Thanks so much to all of you for making this information available to us.
    I have a question based around the ideas in this post.
    I have spent many years helping and mentoring a boy (now a young man) with autism who very deliberately approached and ‘attached’ himself to me when I was his teacher. To both of us it felt that this relationship was planned in advance. His mother grew ill and died just after he and I had met, so I became ‘unofficial Mum’!
    We have worked together to develop our spiritual understanding as well as me helping him with family and social problems. As he has reached adulthood, though, he has proceeded to shut friends, then family and finally myself out of his life and live what seems to me a reclusive existence. He told me his very high anxiety levels made contact too stressful.
    I honour and accept his choice to live his life in whatever way he chooses and have been sending him light, both in thought and through (usually unanswered) text messages.
    It’s now over a year since he felt able to speak to me and three years since we last met. I feel I no longer know him and can’t decide whether he’d prefer me to move aside completely and leave him alone, or whether his social isolation is alleviated a little by evidence that I’m still there for him.
    I feel the situation is enabling me to make progress with developing unconditional love (or as close as I can get!). However I find it painful to think of him so very alone.
    I’d love The Council’s views on this.
    Many thanks,


    Comment by janonlife | March 1, 2013

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