Ask The Council

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Marriage Council-ing

K’s Request for Guidance

This post is a response to K’s request for guidance from The Council on how she can tune into who she really is as a spiritual being so she can experience the purpose of her 22-year relationship with her husband, find her way beyond the pain of their ten years of marriage, and re-connect with the joy of their first eleven years together. Here’s a slightly edited version of K’s request:

“I need some guidance. Let’s see if I can express it a way that makes sense.

“I am in the first stages of getting divorced from a friend of 22 years (10 years married and the father of my son) who I quiet firmly believe came to my life (and I in his) because we had lessons to learn, debts to pay, other unfinished business…something like that.

“Somehow as I try desperately to move on, I often get the feeling that the lessons had to be learned and the challenges were/are there for growth and divorce need not be the solution, at least not after a lot has been cleared out recently.

“Is there a way I can tune in more to my real self, my soul, and remember what the purpose of this marriage was, and what my path ahead is beyond the pain? We both care for each other, but somehow…something that seemed flawless for 11 years before, never worked from the minute we got married. It almost got jinxed and we took turns in not being able to get out of negative thinking to face problems head on.

“Any thoughts on the mystery our life has been and some hints of where it needs to go for the two individual souls? Tall order…huh? Thanks a lot.”


Will Marriage Spoil Everything?

Dear K,

Thank you for your willingness to share with readers of our blog what sounds like a very difficult time in your life. We hope you find the information in this post helpful.

One of the things that interests us most about your request is your comment that your relationship with your husband seemed flawless for eleven years before getting married, and seems like the opposite during your ten years of marriage. Toward the end of a session with The Council that focused on your request for guidance, I asked about this.

“It was almost an, ‘Uh oh, what have we done?’

“And so, from the beginning with that thought, a thought [it was a] mistake, [a thought] it shouldn’t have been done, [a thought] things would change and maybe things would change for the negative, and so it did.”

–The Council

When I asked if The Council was aware of anything that might explain the duration and magnitude of the difficulties after the marriage, they replied:

“In another reality (lifetime), when they had come together, there was great happiness, and we believe one had passed away and returned home (to spirit), and the other was left alone. And the fear is carried into this reality.

“So there is the belief, if not consciously, then somewhere in their belief system that everything was wonderful, and then when they were married one would leave the other. And so immediately the negative vibration built from this. Always expecting that shoe to fall.”

–The Council

It sounds like The Council is saying both of you experienced great happiness together in another reality/lifetime, but an unconscious memory/vibration of loneliness that one of you experienced in that life after the other passed away, has contributed to self-fulfilling fears in your current lifetime that a similar ending of happiness together will be repeated.

We are still somewhat in awe of this information. The idea that experiences we live in other realities/lifetimes can influence our current reality feels like a subject worthy of one or more posts of its own.

The Purpose of Your Marriage: Continuation of Joy

At the beginning of our session, as I began to read your request to The Council, they interjected the following:

“Isn’t it amazing how everyone always thinks there’s a lesson, a debt, something to repay?”

“But with her, it should be understood it was not so much a coming together to repay debts or to learn a lesson, but because these two have been together before, it was a wanting to continue what was once had, and was experienced with much joy.”

–The Council

Later in the session The Council had this to say about the purpose of your relationship with your husband:

“Their purpose was, we can tell you this, to come together and create and experience everything we see they wanted to create together. And it was their purpose to experience all types of situations, good and bad, and to learn to work their way through these experiences by allowing, by loving, and to expand. There was no debt to be paid.

“They have done this before. They have had other lives they have expanded from. And [it was their purpose] to remember what they wanted to build together as they went into this [life], and go back to that.”

–The Council

The Council doesn’t seem to agree with your idea that you and your husband are together because the two of you have some debt to pay. From The Council’s point of view, you and your husband have come together to remember the joy you shared in one or more other lifetimes, and intended to build on in this lifetime. The two of you intended to expand who you are by learning to love and allow your way through all kinds of pleasing and challenging experiences.

This Marriage Can Work

I asked The Council to elaborate on their previous comment about your intention to expand the joy you and your husband shared in other lifetimes/realities.

“Yes, of course, expanding it further. And to come in to learn to express love and appreciate each other through everything that they would create as they go along. Not pre-planned that there would be certain struggles, but as we are all beginning (we hope) to learn, that we create our own reality. Everything that is created, whether it is a good situation, or situations that have ups and downs, and problems, we are creating it.

“But it’s always to expand and allow each other to be who we are, always knowing we are connected – we are souls, we are spirits. And through these different situations, to always show love, to expand on understanding.

“Always looking at the partner and remembering who they really are, and knowing that – if it is wanted – to make this work, this relationship to go on, which we see it can go in that direction, where the divorce is not needed. Then it is important to remember, not only who they truly are, but what they appreciated in each other in the beginning.”

–The Council

“So perhaps somewhere in her memory there is the knowing that the divorce is not necessary – that they have come together to experience each other and to work with each other through all different situations that they have decided to create. It is for their growth, both of them.”

–The Council

The Council mentioned several times in our session they see you and your husband have the ability to make your marriage work, if that is something you both desire. And they offer some suggestions for how to think about yourself, each other, and your relationship together. Some of these ideas seem worth restating:

  • You are with each other to learn to express love, feel appreciation for each other, and experience expansion and spiritual growth.
  • You didn’t come into this life to experience pre-planned struggles.
  • You are the creator of every aspect of what you experience.
  • Allow each other to be who you are and remember you are connected as souls, as spirit.
  • Remember what you appreciated about each other early in your relationship.

Appreciating the Challenges of the Growth Process

I asked for advice on how we can experience more appreciation for the challenges and difficulties we experience that seem to be part of the growth process The Council is talking about.

“First, knowing that these situations that popped up, that caused what they might consider problems – it is important to understand these were created by them. It was not some problem that was placed on them that they had to face. They are the only ones that have decided to create this problem to work through it.”

–The Council

You are the Creator of Everything You Experience

When I mentioned to it can be difficult for some people to accept they are responsible for everything they experience in their lives, particularly unwanted painful situations, The Council replied:

“That is why we urge you to state how important it is to know, number one, you are spirit, spirit in a physical body.

“So it is very important to learn that you are more than this human in this physical world. It is important to teach that. And then [teach] that everything in your environment, everything that you experience, is created by you.

“[It is important] to understand what you experience in life, whether you believe it to be something good or a challenge – it is important to know you are spirit, and you have created it. And until that is understood in some manner, it is hard for some to believe they can change this.

“And we state here, everything can be changed. Everything can be the way you want it, but first you must know who you are, and you have the power of choice to go in any direction in your life.”

–The Council

Feeling You are the Creator of What You Experience

When I asked The Council about a way to help people have the feeling they are the creator of their experience in addition to an intellectual understanding, they replied (referring to you and her husband):

“If they…can…understand they both have negative thoughts, and that these negative thoughts have created these challenges, these challenging situations that they believe must end their marriage or is turning their marriage in that direction… If they can go back, over time, and realize what they have thought and what they have felt with those thoughts – the negative thoughts will lower your vibration and go out and attract negative situations.

“So first they are to connect what they have been thinking in the past to what they have been experiencing. And…we do love the book Ask and It Is Given and we advise them to read it together. It would be very good for them to read it together and then go into the steps to raise their vibration and not dwell on the things that have gone wrong, the old pattern of thinking.

“When they feel, as they find happier thoughts or happier memories that they have experienced together, when their vibration begins to change and they then begin to think how they would like the relationship to be, they will experience little sparks of light, little sparks of situations in their lives getting better [and] they will begin to look at each other differently. And if you want to use the word ‘reconnect,’ even though the connection is there, their whole beingness together will change.

“But it is the work that they must do to change their vibration and create the situation they want. So if they both believe they would like this to work, then they have to put aside the negative thinking and the fear and the panic, and begin to raise the vibration, take the emotional steps up what we believe that list is (the emotional ladder referred to in Ask and It Is Given).

“Read this book. Take the time to appreciate each other. And if you cannot appreciate each other right now, appreciate everything they have together, everything in their life. Whether it is the weather, whether it is where they live, whether it is memories, appreciating each other will change the vibration of these two people together, and we truly feel this divorce would not be necessary.”

–The Council

The Council suggests you can have more of a feeling for how you create what you experience by noticing how your past focusing on what you don’t want in your lives has created and attracted more of what you don’t want.

We like The Council’s suggestion for you and your husband to read together Ask and It is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks and the spirit guides known as Abraham. This book had a profound influence on our understanding and appreciation of how we create what we experience. Practicing the exercises for climbing the emotional ladder can help raise your vibration, which will help you shift the focus of your attention from what you don’t to what you want to create in you life.

We can’t emphasize enough the value of looking for and finding feelings of appreciation, for anything. The vibration of genuine appreciation is powerful and will attract more experiences of appreciation into your lives.

Meditate for a Deeper Experience of Your Spiritual Being

Just as I was about to read to The Council the part of your request where you ask if there’s a way for you to tune in more to your real self, The Council offered:

“And we believe in their vibration somewhere, if they can learn to meditate…”

–The Council

“[They] can always start with the first meditation we gave you. And we believe you did put that on the blog. And then they can find tapes. (pause) Oh wait, they don’t say tapes anymore. (laughs) You can find those things (recordings). They [can] look into books. But again, we have to say we believe that Ask and It is Given book will help them greatly.

—The Council

In an earlier post in response to another reader’s question, The Council provided a step-by-step meditation to enhance spiritual and emotional inspiration. In addition to this meditation and others you can find in books and on recordings, The Council re-emphasizes that they believe the book, Ask and It is Given, will help you tune in more to who you really are as a spiritual being.

Mystery of Your Life Revealed

When I relayed to The Council the part of your question where you ask if they have any thoughts on the mystery your life has been and any hints where it needs to go, they replied:

“The mystery is that you have forgotten who you are. You have forgotten what you can create. You have forgotten your power – your power of choice, your power of love. And you chose to come together, to be together through everything. That’s what has been forgotten. There is no mystery.”

–The Council

In Closing

Thank you again, K., for sharing your situation with us and for your request for guidance from The Council. Our session on your request was very satisfying. We are particularly interested in the information about how experiences in previous lifetimes can unconsciously influence current life experience, and we intend to speak more about this with The Council to better understand how we can benefit from positive past life experiences and transform past experiences that seem to hold back our expansion.

It seems like The Council is particularly interested in letting you know the following:

  • You are not with your husband because you have a debt to pay.
  • You are with your husband because you chose to be together through pleasure and challenges to expand on the joy you’ve already experienced together in another lifetime.
  • Divorce is not necessary if you both desire to continue in the marriage and find ways to experience the joys you shared before you married. Reading Ask and It is Given will help with this.
  • Meditation will help you experience who you truly are as spirit in a physical body. It will also help you remember your power to choose and your power to create what you desire.

In addition to the guidance that is specifically for you, this post also contains guidance about being the creator of all we experience that can be helpful to you and other readers as well. We hope you find The Council’s guidance helpful. We encourage you post a comment when you have time to let us and other readers know your impressions of the post and how you and your husband are doing.


Cynthia and Bob

May 16, 2011 - Posted by | Marriage, Questions & Answers, Relationships, You Create Your Reality | , , , , , , , , ,


  1. K,
    Thank you for your enthusiastic feedback. We’re glad you find The Council’s guidance in the post is helpful.

    We suggest practicing seeing your situation the way you would like it to be rather than focusing on what appears to be the current reality. Your statement in your comment about your husband that “doing anything, even reading a book together, will never be heard by him,” sounds like you’re focusing your attention on something you don’t want.
    You are a powerful creator. The marriage you described is dramatic evidence of your power to create and attract what you focused your attention on. Reading Ask and It is Given, as The Council suggests, can help you learn to recognize more easily when you’re giving your attention to what you don’t want, and begin shifting it in the direction of what you do want.

    See if you can get in touch with the feeling that your husband will someday, possibly sooner than you think, develop an interest in doing something with you, like reading this book. When you give thought to what you desire, who you are as spirit immediately creates this in a non-physical, vibrational reality. The trick is believing in the reality you desire more than the reality you don’t want.

    You’ll know when you believe in a reality you desire because it feels wonderful. If you’re not feeling good when you’re thinking about what you desire, you’re probably thinking about it from the point of view of how what you desire isn’t in your physical experience. And if this is the focus of your attention, the law of attraction is probably bringing you more experiences that don’t include what you desire.

    Shifting the focus of your attention from something that seems to be staring you in the face, to something that seems to exist only in your imagination takes practice. You created your experience of The Council’s guidance from your desire and your belief. This is an excellent example of how the process works. The trick (and the fun) is figuring out how to translate what you’ve learned in one area of your experience into another.

    We hope this helps.


    Comment by Cynthia & Bob | May 16, 2011

  2. Thank you so much for the detailed guidance. I KNOW the council is spot on (off course) about the negative thinking patterns, the fear of separation brought from another reality. This fear was triggered on very strongly by a physical separation for 7 months right before and about 5 months right after the few days of the actual ceremony because of choices made by parents and social customs against my best attempts of trying to convey my overwhelming feeling of “its not right to start a marriage with a separation”. Unfortunately…it never really survived that long period of somewhat forced situation we couldn’t fight or did not know how to rebel against. Every good thing in our lives after that was somehow clouded with negative thinking, fear, judgment, conditional love…

    I cannot tell other viewers anymore strongly what I have learned after starting to meditate, how true this for me…not being able to remove the negative vibrations was what created the situation for us. Living separately for over a year after the birth of our child, we have spent the last two years taking turns to change the vibration/reconcile and failing…again I believe we are creating this cycle ourselves.

    Currently, though I remember and feel the positiveness and see exactly what the council says about observing past thought patterns, my husband doesn’t or cannot. Trying to keep up my end of the vibrations while discussing difficult issues like custody (papers were filed by him a few days ago) is also difficult. My suggestion of doing anything even reading a book together will never be heard by him so I am not sure where this leads but for the sake of other readers…what the council said for my particular scenario or in general is the absolute reality and truth for these two souls. They confirmed the truth I have reached through my own introspection and meditations as I somewhat helplessly watch it end still.

    Power of thoughts…remembering who we are…compassion, love and kindness…that is what it is all about.



    Comment by K | May 16, 2011

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